Grieving Parents Support Network

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I Entered This World

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His brother was six. He had been asking for a sibling for more years than I could count. That year, I finally got to tell him I was pregnant. On New Year’s Eve, we had made a joke about no siblings that year and he had wept. He didn’t yet fully realize the year would be over in four hours.

In Memory of Gabriele Pio

I was under terrible stress. Medical examinations all the time, no answers, and I didn’t even realize I had no period when I should have. Then, out of a joke to my husband, I counted back and it came to me. I had an important delay. 

That pregnancy was like a wonderful dream come true. Unlike his brother, he wasn’t born preterm. I was overdue! My labour was amazing. Wonderful. Painless. I’ve always taken that as a gift for me. A goodbye present, maybe? Then, after a whole wonderful day labouring, I lay down for the doctors to check on the progress. His heartbeats went crazy, c-section, and I entered this world.

  • The world in which a wonderful day discloses into an endless night.
  • A world in which a six-year-old will be told his long wished sibling won’t go home to play with him.
  • A world in which people stop you on the street to ask about the birth and get what happened with a glance.
  • A world in which people insist on saying you have only one child, though you gave birth to two.
  • A world in which you have no heart to get into your house while the baby stroller is there, ready for a baby who won’t ever use it.

And I’ve coped with so many comments. Comments from people who never got near this world. Comments from people who never knew such a world could exist. And to this day, after five years, I still talk about him. He will always be my precious second born.

There are people who don’t want to hear about him. People who take it as a personal offence to the world (they live in) if I publish his photo on my social profile. People who get their maths wrong with how many kids I have. But there are also people who watch this world with due respect. People who say his name with no fear. People who don’t take it as a contagious disease if I speak about him.

He lives through me, my every breath, my every heartbeat. He lives through my words and my thoughts. He lives through his brother who is now eleven. He lives through his sister, born exactly three years after he was born. He lives through my laughter and my tears. And he always will. 

Guest Post by Ivone Soares, as part of the series ‘Share Your Story’.
Find out here how you can share your story.

Image: Handlettering and artwork by Nathalie Himmelrich

May We All Heal – How to share yourself

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May We All Heal starts tomorrow! I’m so honoured to host the 4th MWAH creative (and FREE!) healing event in the name of the Grieving Parents Support Network.

Welcome Share Your Grief MWAH 2018May We All Heal – what is it?

If you’re new, you might like to read the detailed information about MWAH on the event page and the information specific to this year.

Our theme this year is ‘Share Your Grief’ because I believe it is so important both for your own grieving and healing, as well as for the people surrounding us, to hear YOUR grief story. Through the prompts, we will be able to highlight different angles and perspectives.

Notice to Family and Friends

Sharing – yes or not?

Sharing yourself, to most of us, is a vital part. Child loss is a very isolating experience, both through the emotional intensity, the taboo of the topic and the misguided myths circulating in society. Those often leave the bereaved confronted with unreasonable expectations (in themselves or from others) of what healing means and in what time frame it should be completed.

Whether you choose to partake on your own, with your own private notebook or whether you’d like to share yourself with a wider audience is your personal decision. We just know from participants testimonials that the aspect of community that resulted from sharing, commenting and conversing with others played a huge role in their healing.

If you decide to share, you might like to share this notice to family and friends, so they know what to expect and why. Add your personal words and let them know how they can best support you during the MWAH project month. Click on the image to see a bigger version and then save it to your device.

How to share

There are two main avenues which you can choose to share: Instagram (IG) or Facebook (FB).

Instagram (IG)

May We All Heal IG profile

Advantages:

  • IG is an image-based social network (pictures and videos)
  • you can add a comment, usually not too long otherwise you’ll run out of space and need to copy the rest in a comment
  • MWAH has already a great community, due to the fact that’s where it started to be shared
  • if you choose to also share on FB, you can do that in one step by sharing on IG and enabling FB sharing (only possible onto your own personal and professional pages)

Disadvantages:

  • you might need to learn and understand a new social network
  • IG doesn’t provide the option of groups as FB does, therefore each person posts on their own profile
  • taking part in the community aspect means having to follow other individuals rather than just being able to read and comment on what they share in the May We All Heal group

If you know how to use IG, simply add the hashtags #mayweallheal and #MWAH2018 and make sure to follow @mayweallheal (event profile, mainly used during the event) and @mymissbliss (Nathalie’s and Grieving Parents Support Network’s profile, used all year around).

Also, if you normally have your IG profile set on private, consider making it public, at least for the duration of MWAH. It just easier for people to see what you’re sharing and comment.

If you haven’t used IG before, and want to try, follow these steps:

  1. download the app on your smartphone
  2. create an account
  3. search @mayweallheal under user and follow them
  4. start sharing

You’ll learn IG by doing it, it is really very intuitive.

Facebook (FB)

Advantages:

  • FB is the more widely knowns and used social network
  • you can add a comment, usually not too long otherwise you’ll run out of space and need to copy the rest in a comment

Disadvantages:

  • harder to control who sees things, unless you use the private and closed May We All Heal group
  • FB heavily limits what you get to see on your newsfeed, so you need to actively go to the May We All Heal group

I’m going to assume that you’re on FB and know how to use it. 

May We All Heal peer support group

If you haven’t already, you should follow the following pages:

We will use the May We All Heal group to share because it’s a private and closed group. This means that only members can see and read your posts. So, if for whatever you prefer your friends on FB not to be able to see what you share, this is the place to share. You can however not directly post there from IG.

Share in the comments

Sharing on the MWAH peer support group page

In order for this to work, we need to create some structure on how you all share on the group page.

In the image, you can see an example from last year’s event. We will post a daily lead image with the prompts in the May We All Heal group.

IMPORTANT: Please ONLY post your images and words underneath that daily lead images. This way, all the contributions to a specific prompt are together in one place and not scattered over the newsfeed of the group. Individual posts get lost, clog up the feed and due to that fact will be deleted. 

 

 

 

May We All Heal 2018

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We will be starting with our FREE annual event ‘May We All Heal 2018‘ in just 6 days.

This fills me with happiness because…

  • a group of like-hearted individuals will come together and share their grief stories
  • all of those people will actively participate in their own grief work and healing
  • I know from past years participants will benefit from taking part, each and every one in their own personal way

If you want to share your images, thoughts, stories… please do so in our May We All Heal peer support group on FB.
Please follow @mayweallheal and @mymissbliss on Instagram to receive updates on the event.
If you like other participants to follow you, leave you IG handle (@…) in the comments below.

I’m honoured to be your host.
Much Love,
Nathalie


 

 

April Fool’s Day Jokes

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April Fools day announcementTriggers can come in all shapes and forms – for example through a joke, like a fake pregnancy announcement on April Fool’s day. Remember, those sending them out on social media surely are not doing it with the intent to harm, but to pull someone’s leg. They usually don’t think that far as to who they might be offending.

“But they should just know!”

If this is your expectation, it will set you up for disappointment. The truth is: they don’t just know. Empathy is easy when you’ve experienced something but it’s not everyone’s strong suit when they haven’t experienced the death of their child.

Did you always react with empathy and sensitiveness before you became a bereaved parent? I guess most of us were just as oblivious as those we are expecting to know better now.

Take action now

Here is where you can step into action: Let your friends and family know what might upset you and why, for example by sharing an image you can find on pages supporting bereaved parents. We’ve got ours here for you and you’re welcome to share it.

 

PS. And it’s not just bereaved parents that might be hurt, so we kept it non-specific.

The Mythical Land of Grief

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Guest article by Sharon Ehlers from grief-reiki.com

 

“Myths tell us what those like us have done, can do, should do…
Listen to the wrong myths, and we might even go back a few steps.”

― N.K. Jemisin

mythical forestIt wasn’t until I was smack-dab in the middle of my journey that I learned everything I have been told about grief was wrong. Up until then, I was told there were stages. I was told I needed to keep busy. I was told I shouldn’t be sad. I was told I would feel better in time. Like many of you, this guidance became my roadmap as I faced the various losses in my life. You may have also heard these statements and never questioned their validity:

  • Give it time;
  • Be strong; grieve by yourself;
  • Don’t show sad emotions;
  • Find a replacement and
  • Keep yourself busy.

It wasn’t until I was going through the training to be a Certified Grief Recovery Specialist® that I realized I had been living in the mythical land of grief. Everything I thought I knew wasn’t right at all. I learned that as a society, we approach grief with our head and not our hearts. This means we try to rationalize our response to loss, rather than feel it. These myths have supported this approach to grief for generations. They help us to avoid grief rather than face it. Let’s walk through each one in more detail, see why they don’t work and what you can do to instead:

Give it time

If you are grieving after losing a loved long ago, does it hurt any less? Do you miss them any less? Probably not. My maternal grandmother died in the early 80s. I had a miscarriage in the early 90s. I still remember both losses as if they were yesterday. Even though time has softened my grief, it has not healed these wounds. These losses are a part of me and always will be. Giving grief more time certainly won’t change how I feel about my grandmother or my miscarriage.

What you can do instead:

Give yourself the space you need to grieve without any time limits. Understand it will take as long as it takes. Your grief may soften over time but the loss will always be a part of you.

Be strong

As the oldest of two girls, I heard this statement throughout my entire life, “You have to be strong for your sister.” I took this literally by walling off my heart at a very young age. I thought if I didn’t feel or show my emotions I was setting a good example for a sister. Not expressing my sadness only hurt me in the long run. After my divorce, my children chose to live with my ex-husband because I was the “stronger” one. They thought I was “better” at being alone than he was. This was the furthest thing from the truth. Being strong set the wrong example and brought me heartache.

What you can do instead:

Be human. Express both happy and sad emotions. It is healthier for you emotionally, physically and spiritually. It also sets a better example for those around you. Your sadness gives them “permission” to also be sad.

aloneGrieve by yourself

Society has taught us not to burden others with our grief. I felt that way after the suicides of my two friends. I didn’t want to bother anyone with my sadness so I stayed to myself. Family and friends have their own problems. The last thing they need is my sadness creeping up on them. Grieve alone so you can stay out of the spotlight. This is not healthy.

What you can do instead:

Take time for yourself, but not to the point of isolation. Find a healthy balance between being alone and spending time with friends or family. Choose family members and friends who will support your grieving choices and listen without judgement or criticism. 

Don’t show sad emotions

As babies, we were free to express our emotions. We laughed when we were happy, and cried when we were sad. Our emotions changed at the drop of a hat. This was expected behavior. But at some point in our childhood, an invisible switch was flipped and we were told it was no longer “acceptable” to express our sadness. I am not sure exactly when this happened, but it was probably when I was in elementary school. My parents started saying, “Go to your room if you are going to cry.” This lead me to believe that sadness was a bad thing and must be avoided at all costs. So, I pushed my emotions down. Way down. I built the wall higher around my heart. Not the right approach if you want to be “healthy” and have healthy relationships.

What you can do instead:

Be honest about your emotions. Express your sadness rather than avoid it. Sadness makes you human. It’s what ultimately gets you through your grief.

Find a replacement

Were you ever told after a relationship break-up “Don’t feel bad, there are plenty of fish in the sea”? If so, did it help you to feel any better? You may have felt worse because it implied you should never grieve over the loss of a relationship. It also implied that moving on right away would help you to feel better. But does serial relationships ever help you to feel better? I would argue they don’t and most people probably feel even worse. By not grieving we carry the same emotional issues from one relationship to the next. It is often a contributing factor to why there are so many break ups and divorces today.

What you can do instead:

Grieve for your relationship before moving on to the next. Be sad for the future that is never going to happen. Forgive your former partner and yourself. Decide what you can do better or differently the next time around. This way you move forward in a healthy way and don’t carry any unresolved emotions with you.

busyKeep yourself busy

Speaking from experience I can say I became a workaholic after the suicides of my two friends. I thought if I kept busy enough, my grief would go away. But it never did. It just got buried. Consequently, it churned and churned until I felt like I was going to explode. I became exhausted emotionally, physically and spiritually.  Keeping busy is just an avoidance technique and can be one of the worst ways to handle grief.

What you can do instead:

Take the time you need to face your grief. Schedule extra time off work when needed. Practice self-care. Be gentle with yourself. 

 

Leave the mythical land of grief

Replacing these myths with healthier ways to grieve helps you to better navigate the ups and downs of your grief journey. It helps you to leave that mythical land of grief once and for all.

 

About the guest author:

Sharon Ehlers is the founding member of Grief Reiki® LCC. She is an Advanced Grief Recovery Method Specialist® with the Grief Recovery Institute®, and a Reiki Master Teacher. Sharon is the author of Grief Reiki®- An Integrated Approach to the Emotional, Physical and Spiritual Components of Grief and Loss. She is a co-author of Grief Diaries: Surviving Loss by Suicide which was a three-time finalist in the National Indie Excellence Awards, Book Excellence Awards and Best Book Awards.
Find out more about Sharon Ehlers on her website.
Find out more about the Grief Recovery Method here: www.griefrecoverymethod.com.

 

Photo by Simon Matzinger, rawpixel.com and Ivan Karasev on Unsplash

Mother’s Day

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Mother’s Day is celebrated in many countries around the world on different days throughout the year. Most countries – the number comes up to 128 – celebrate it in May, followed by the month of March with 48 countries. Check out here when Mother’s Day is in your country.

Mother’s Day is likely to be full of triggers for bereaved mothers. Let’s see why and how we can handle them.

1. It’s in our face

We are forced by commercials to look at Mother’s Day and somehow include it in our lives if we want to or not. If you’re part of a culture that celebrates this day, there is no chance to run away from it.

How to deal with this?

We need to be prepared for this inevitable fact. Think about how you deal with it that is best for you with how you currently feel about your loss.

2. Your history dictates

All of us are daughters and sons. If Mother’s Day was part of our family’s celebration, we have some kind of predisposed expectations on what this day should look and feel like.

How to deal with this?

We need to find out what Mother’s Day means to us personally. This is not your Mother’s Mother’s Day, this is YOUR Mother’s Day. Find out what it is that YOU need right now.

3. Your personal situation

Your personal situation will greatly shape your experience.
Are you going into this year’s Mother’s Day with a partner or as a single parent? Do you have other children? Or would it be your very first Mother’s Day if your baby had not died? Do you have expectations of your family of origin to deal with, expectations of your own mother?
Do you feel like you want to celebrate it because you feel like showing yourself and others that you are a mother despite of your baby’s death? Or do you feel like not celebrating because it hurts you so much to have to spend this special day without your beloved child?

How to deal with this?

Find out what fits best for you on this day! Plan, at the same time, make space for the unexpected to happen. If you need to attend to a family gathering that might be challenging, plan an exit strategy.

4. Your family

Include your family/your partner or even your best friend in your thoughts and feelings about this day. If you have living children, they might have some ideas on how to memorialize their sibling and celebrate you as their mother. Create your personal day together with them or on your own, depending on what you need.

How to deal with this?

Think about this: Do you want to be alone or with family or friends?
If you have company, you don’t need to spend the day alone and there will be always someone to hold you when you have a tough moment.

 

Plan the day for yourself with the decisions you made on the questions above. Sit down and create this day for yourself. Be active and take responsibility for making this Mother’s Day a day that suits you. And Yes, you might cry on this day and there might be times of grief on this day. But that is ok and has its place.

Please share your thoughts and questions in the comments or follow the discussion in the May We All Heal peer support group here on Facebook.

May We All Heal 2018

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For the fourth year in a row, we are joining together to make space in our heart and lives to nurture our healing. Join us!

Come and join the MWAH event here (click on the image)

If you have never taken part, you might like to watch the video, explaining the event on the MWAH FB page.
If you prefer reading about it, you can find all the information under events here.

In the coming weeks, I will talk to several members of the Grieving Parents Support Network community about their experiences in the past year. If you’re interested to find out more, make sure to ‘LIKE’ the page and under ‘following’ choose ‘see first’. Alternatively, you can follow @mayweallheal on Instagram.

New Year – New Grief

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Image by Nathalie Himmelrich

New Year – Welcome on the other side. Take a breath. You survived the holidays.

As much as I love part of the holiday spirit and the coming of a New Year, I often encounter myself in a quiet, unsociable mood and end up spending – at least some part of it – by myself. This is how I re-energise and re-calibrate for whatever newness might come with the New Year.
How about you? How do you manage to cope in those days?

2017 in Review

I realise that – as usual – I filled my plate with a big project, the community-written book Surviving My First Year After Child Loss which was published in September 2017, followed by the German version Das erste Jahr nach dem Verlust meines Kindes überleben (still available on pre-sale special price for a limited time!)
Looking back I’ve already started much better: this time last year I was heading to the hospital with pneumonia. Personally, last year was a really challenging year for me health wise and it seems it can only get better.

Grieving in healthy ways for me means not to look for ways ‘to get over it’ or ‘through it’ as a way to get it done. It is about finding ways to be curious about what is stirring in my heart and integrating not just the memory, but my ever unfolding experience into my life. In this light, dear healthy griever, here some Year 2017 Review Questions for you:

1. What have you learnt about yourself and grief/grieving?
2. What has changed since the loss of your child? Hint: make it specific and look both for negative and positive things (for example I no longer take life for granted.)
3. What are you ready to let go?
4. How do you want to be with your grief in 2018?

Looking Forward

What do you want to bring forward into this New Year?
Setting an intention can be powerful. Author Lynn McTaggart* has found that for something to occur it is 300.000 times more likely when one has set an intention.

See them not as hard and fast rules or goals like those you would set in your business, but rather guiding principle to strive by, to remind yourself regularly that you’re ok the way you are.

Inspiration Needed?

Here some of mine for your inspiration. You may pick and choose from any that feel right for you:

I dare to be brave enough to meet my own vulnerability and
sit with the pain without moving to hide it, fade it or fix it.

I will remain authentic in my expression of the longing for my child
at the same time as finding and experiencing joy without feeling guilty.

I will remain true to myself at the risk of disappointing another
and look after myself in whatever way needed.

I will be curious about what is stirring my (grieving) heart
and integrating not just the memory, but my ever unfolding experience into my life.

 

With that, I wish you a blessed, gentle and healthy ✨ New Year – May you be exactly where you need to be in 2018.

Much💗 Love.
Nathalie

* Can be found in the books by Lynn McTaggart: The Field and The Intention Experiment

Being Grateful and Grieving

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Neither ‘happy’ nor ‘merry’

With Thanksgiving upon us and Christmas just around the corner many bereaved parents cringe at the expectations of their surroundings to be happy, grateful and merry.

Statements like „but there is so much to be grateful for“ or „focus on the living, not the dead“ has some of us want to go into hiding with our hands over our ears singing „Ladadee-ladadaa“ on repeat. Those seemingly true (cognitive) statements are emotionally barren. They are just emphasizing the opposite of what they are intending: further hurt and leaving the bereaved feeling completely misunderstood and lonely.

Family gatherings, which often turn out to be more stressful than happy, can accentuate those empty chairs at the table. Without intending to, those unaffected seem to be completely unaware of those deeply missed. They also often overlook the struggles the bereaved are going through to keep their facade matching the festivities. That’s where we need more empathy and foresight in being together. From both sides.

Grateful and grieving

But then, here is the conundrum:

Opposite states can live side by side, even if that seems paradoxical.  In my case, raising a twinless twin I’m grateful for what I have and equally grieving for what is not my so desired reality: raising two girls.

The crux is that what often is seen as expected – and we are often expecting of ourselves the same – is the impossible: just feel grateful! But the missing cannot be suspended, the grieving isn’t on a timer to be turned on and off on demand.

I believe it starts with self-acceptance which goes hand in hand with self-care. I accept my ups and down. I take care of myself to make sure I’m not overextending myself and my energy. I don’t always succeed but I try. Self-care includes telling others where my boundaries are, whether they understand or not. And sometimes it means disappointing someone else to be true to yourself.

Photo by galaxies and hurricanes on Visualhunt / CC BY-NC-ND

A Complete List of Do’s and Don’ts When Supporting Bereaved Parents

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On rare occasions, I had ‘friends’ tell me versions of: “Wouldn’t it be time to move on?” or “You’ve got such a beautiful daughter, don’t you think it would be better for her to stop mentioning her twin sister or the topic of grief and loss?” Who hasn’t heard some version of the above? Have you? While their intent is supporting bereaved parents, I find it hard when people tell me to change the way I feel. Especially when it’s people that haven’t experienced what I have.

Grief Quotes by www.nathaliehimmelrich.com

The Art of Presence, Supporting Bereaved Parents

Every person surrounding us has their version of what healing after loss looks like. My version is called healthy grieving: I believe in integrating loss into my life, which allows for joy and sadness, reminiscing in the past and full present day laughter, remembering with mindfulness and gratitude.

There are lots of words written about what not to say in response to grief but not enough about how to respond to grief and supporting bereaved parents. As part of the book Grieving Parents: Surviving Loss as a Couple I have made it a priority and my heartfelt intent to help supporters understand how to be with the bereaved. If you find it helpful, feel free to share it with your family, friends and supporters. Remember that this always needs to be applied with respect to the person’s culture and traditions. If something has really helped you, let me know in the comment section, as well as if something does not feel right for you.

The “5 Star Grief Support Guide”, which you’ll receive upon signing up for updates on the Grieving Parents Support Network summarises what I wrote here below (excerpt of the book mentioned above):

Things to say or do when supporting bereaved parents

What made the most difference: dropping food at our door, taking Harry out to play… just being ok with how we were. – Gavin Blue, President of Heartfelt Australia

First and foremost bereaved parents have shared with me that supporters should not feel obligated to say anything. What some call the “Art of Presence,” being there is all that is needed.

However, should you feel compelled to say something, here are the three simplest things to say:

  • I am sorry for your loss.
  • I am here for you.
  • I don’t know what to say, I’m at a loss for words.

Whatever you do or say, remember these things:

  • Acknowledge the parents
  • Listen but do not try to fix
  • Encourage and give them hope
  • Practice the Art of Presence.

The following points are an excerpt of my blog I wrote twenty months after Amya’s death. These are suggestions that help to acknowledge the grieving parents’ pain, journey, and responses. Use your own words or way of saying things.

Asking questions

Inquire how I’m doing, what I’m feeling. Don’t tell me “it must be hard” or “you must feel so awful.” Ask me, but don’t tell me. Ask again tomorrow and the day after tomorrow. Be gentle when asking, it needn’t be an interrogation.

Suggestions:

  • How are you coping?
  • What kind of help would be supportive for you? (Make a couple of suggestions)
  • May I bring some food over tonight?
  • Would you like me to just be there with you?
  • What did the doctor say?
  • Do you have anyone you can talk to?

I’m so sorry

This is the simplest and most appropriate sentence. It bridges any “I don’t know what to say” or “I’m lost for words” moment, any awkward silence that you might be tempted to fill with clichés. Don’t. Just say, “I’m sorry for your loss”.

Show you care

The little messages “I’m thinking of you” on the anniversary of my daughter’s or my mother’s death mean a lot.

  • I hear you
  • I’ve been thinking of you
  • You are not alone – I am here for you
  • I read your blog
  • My heart goes out to you.

Recently I received a touching message from someone I don’t even know who told me how much my blog touched her. She was a 38-year-old identical twin who had lost her twin sister when they were 10 days old. I would have never known whom my writing touches if she hadn’t told me.

Continue to interact

I must have stunned many people into silence with my grief spell. It is okay to be contacting me again and again, even if I might not have the energy to hold long conversations. Social interactions are more tiring, yet I still crave to be with people. I am no longer the person I was pre “date with death” and as much as I sometimes want that person back, I have to deal with the New Me. Please try to do so, too.

Accept me

It’s hard enough to be sad and depressed. I am learning to accept being what I am in any moment. If you can accept that too, you won’t need to make me feel better, offer me advice, solutions, or try to tickle me with humour. Please accept me as I am.

Be with me

There doesn’t need to be much talking. Knowing that you are not afraid of being in my presence, no matter what, counts. Offer your presence even if by just holding my hand.

Respect my space and my beliefs

You might believe in God or that, “It was meant to be this way.” Whatever it is, keep it to yourself. You cannot know where I stand in relation to your beliefs. Leave me with mine. Respect where I am with regard to what I believe or even where I might have lost any faith and trust.

Acknowledge the dead person

I do understand that you might fear my reaction if you speak about my baby or my mother. Do trust that by acknowledging or talking about them you honour their memory. Say their names.

Respect that I won’t get over it

I didn’t really understand the depth of grief before my personal experience. You do not need to understand it to accept and respect that holding my child in my arms as she passed isn’t something that I will get over. I am learning to live with it, whatever that means. Anything can and will trigger the grief and I don’t always know when or why…

Tact and respect

By all means tell me about what is going on your life, no matter how trivial or devastating it might be. I can handle it if you handle my response with tact and respect. What I do not need at this moment are trivializations of women who got pregnant and didn’t even want to have another child or mothers who abort their baby because of its gender.

Physical contact – hugs

There are times when I am very sensitive and do not want to be touched. Please consider asking before you want to give me a hug.

The Art of Presence

Be there, not merely in the moment of crisis. Walk alongside me in the months and years to come. Allow me my process of healing. Sit with me in the moments of painful emotions and the darkness of depression. It is an illusion that in times of crisis people need space. Respect someone’s wish, if they tell you so. Otherwise, be present.

The “5 Star Grief Support Guide”, which you’ll receive upon signing up for updates on the Grieving Parents Support Network summarises the above.

¸.•´*¨`*•✿      ✿      ✿•*´¨*`•.¸     

Things not to say or do when supporting bereaved parents

Even though other authors on Still Standing Magazine have already covered this topic, this is what I wrote in the book regarding things not to say or do.

Time

It does not matter whether you allow the grieving parent more or less time than they need or make suggestions on what should be difficult or not – comments like those mentioned below are unhelpful as they lead to self-judgment or guilt about the situation experienced.

  • Time heals all wounds.
  • It will get better with time.
  • The first year is the hardest.
  • Take your time.

Destiny

Any suggestion on where or how the baby is now or what his or her destiny should or shouldn’t be are wild guesses or assumptions. For any mother or father there is no better place for their child than in their arms now and for eternity.

  • He is in a better place.
  • She was not meant to suffer any longer.
  • It was for the best.
  • Better it happened now than in x amount of time (days, weeks, months, years).

Parent’s feelings

Refrain from assuming you know how the grieving parent feels. You can’t know that. These comments cut like a knife. There is nothing that compares to parental grief.

  • I know how you feel.
  • It must be hard.
  • You must feel terrible!

Beliefs and spirituality

Do not share your beliefs even if you think you follow the same religion or spiritual practices. The grieving parents might not be in a place to feel the same way about their religion or spirituality following the loss. Keep your religious beliefs, spiritual ideas, or ideologies to yourself.

  • God needed a special angel.
  • It was God’s plan.
  • It was meant to be this way.
  • It was his life’s plan.
  • She did what she came here to do and it was her time to go.

How to grieve

Suggestions on how to grieve and/or heal are ill-considered. They are based on the assumption that you know better on how to deal with the grief than the parents. Even if you have lost a child yourself, remember that every parental grief is based on their individual story, the meanings, and beliefs they have.

  • You just need to get back to your old self.
  • Chin up!
  • Distract yourself.
  • You need to… (followed by any suggestion).

Comparisons

Each trauma needs to be respected in its uniqueness. Every parent’s loss needs to be heard as its own story and with full attention. There is nothing that compares to the loss of a child.

  • I know how you feel, I lost my grandmother (or dad or pet).
  • I can imagine how hard it must be.

Clichés

Say nothing or “I don’t know what to say” instead of any platitude.

  • Life goes on.
  • It will be all right.
  • There is a reason for everything.
  • It’s all for the best.

You should…

References to what they should be happy about, think about, or do instead are uncalled for. Whether it is fact or not is unimportant. The fact is the parents are mourning the loss of their child.

  • You have two other children.
  • At least you had your child for x number of years.
  • You should think about your husband.

Thoughtless phrases

Be mindful of what may slip out of your mouth without thinking. You might be shaking your head in disbelief at these statements below. Trust me, we have all heard them. Better to say nothing at all.

  • How are things at home?
  • Was she in pain?
  • Have another baby!
  • You can have other children!
  • You’re kidding!
  • That’s not good!

Interpretations

Over-interpreting, trying to make sense of the inexplicable or finding reasons why the baby or child has died are not helpful. Every parent experiences the why question looping in their mind. Don’t add your thoughts; leave them to

work on that.

  • Maybe it was because… (filling in your reasons why).

Let me fix you

Please do not try to fix, or make suggestions on what to do. The grieving parent only knows what it means to lose a child and what they want or do not want to do or be at this specific time in their grieving journey.

  • You need to keep yourself busy.
  • Distract yourself!
  • You need some time to yourself.
  • You need to look after her (said to the husband).

Silver lining

Leave any silver linings out of conversations with parents. If the grieving parent speaks them, it is their prerogative. It is not yours.

  • It’s all for the better.
  • At least . . . did not suffer.
  • You have 3 other beautiful children.
  • You’re lucky it was early on (in case of a miscarriage).
  • You are so strong.

¸.•´*¨`*•✿      ✿      ✿•*´¨*`•.¸     

How are you supporting bereaved parents?
What is your version of healthy grieving?
What does it look like for you?
Share it with me, us, the world because the world need your story of healing.

Let’s start a tidal wave of
#healthygrieving
when you are ready…

¸.•´*¨`*•✿      ✿      ✿•*´¨*`•.¸     

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