Tomorrow morning, at exactly 12:01, my first baby would have turned 10. Ten years feels both like a lifetime and yesterday all at the same time. Somewhere along the way, numbness and shock turned into surviving. Surviving into a dark sadness that sucked all the colour out of life. That sadness into pure unadulterated anger. I got a lot of flack for anger in grief (especially as a Christian), but I don’t regret it, and if you’re grieving I don’t recommend you conform your grief to anyone’s expectations either.
Because we only grieve deeply because we have loved deeply.
What I didn’t understand was that all the random things that are experienced in grief are normal.
We are human after all
What I feared the most would prove to be a big fat lie – I wouldn’t forget her. And as long as I didn’t, neither would the world.
I was a shadow of myself after losing her and learned that I would never be the same person as before. I quickly accepted a life of misery early on. But little did I know that love would outlive the misery. Love would outlive the sadness, the anger, the mere existence of surviving.
Love would survive it all
So when you see me laughing, smiling, dreaming up big things, planning adventures, enjoying the tiny things in life, it isn’t because I’m not grieving, I am grieving in my own way.
I believe her life is honoured in my decision to embrace the gift I’ve been given to live.
This is what ten years of being a grieving mother has taught me.
Thinking of so many mothers holding their babies in Heaven in their heart as Mother’s Day approaches. My heart is forever with you. 🦋🌷
Our Guest Writer
Franchesca Cox is a yoga teacher and OT student, sharing how yoga can be used to address pain, build strength & increase function for all ages. She is from Texas and has 3 children, one of which she carries in her heart always. An artist and creative at heart, she published the Facets of Grief workbook. You can find out about her here.
Guest Post by Franchesca Cox is part of the series ‘Share Your Story’.
Find out here how you can share your story.
Image: Handlettering and artwork by Nathalie Himmelrich
Dear Nathalie, firstly, so sorry for your continuous grieving pain, for your loss. I’m 2 years into my loss and I can honestly say, I relate with so much of what you have written. Brief but many important messages. I hear patches of my own heart and way of grieving in your words… and can imagine in 8 years time my perspective and experience of grief might echo yours.
I really appreciate reading this:
‘don’t conform your grief to anyone’s expectations’. yes, amen!
‘What I feared the most would prove to be a big fat lie – I wouldn’t forget her’
Thank you, and wishing your heart much contentment in holding your dear angel tightly in your heart.
Dear Angelica,
Thank you for your words.
For some reason I only saw your comment today.
The words in this specific blog post are written by Franchesca Cox.
My daughter’s death is 8.5 years ago now.
Much Love to you,
Nathalie Himmelrich