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ost of you know that October is International SIDS, Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month (and also Breast Cancer Awareness Month). In this blog post I’ll share some of the history and meaning for our community, and provide a resource of events and projects you can take part, if you wish, to make this month meaningful for you. It will also offer a list of ways you can support yourself.
History
According to Wikipedia, the Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Movement began in the United States in 1987. On October 25, 1988, American President Ronald Reagan designated the entire month of October 1988 as Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month. (Read more about the history here.)
In 2007, Congressman Tom Latham of Iowa introduced a House Resolution supporting the Goals and Ideals of Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day, October 15th, and called on the President of the United States to issue a proclamation encouraging the American people to honor this special day of remembrance.
October 15th and the Wave of Light
On October 15th, now called Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day (PAILRD), at 7:00 pm in all time zones, families around the world will light candles (and leave the candle burning for at least an hour) in memory all of the precious babies who have been lost during pregnancy or in infancy. Too many families grieve in silence, sometimes never coming to terms with their loss.
If you or someone you know has suffered a miscarriage, stillbirth or infant loss due to SIDS/SUID, prematurity or other cause, we hope you will join us in this national tribute to create awareness of these tragic infant deaths and provide support to those that are suffering.
Contributors of the Still Standing community have a number of events planned:
- Capture Your Grief by Carly Marie from Project Heal, all through October
- Grief is the New Black workshop for Grieving Mothers by Franchesca Cox from Wildfeathers Wellness, starting October 4th
- SGM Day of Remembrance and Hope Event by Kelly Gerken from Sufficient Grace Ministries, October 10th
Events around the globe:
- Vancouver, Canada – International Stillbirth Alliance conference, Friday October 2nd
- Houston, Texas: M. E. N.D. Walk to Remember, Saturday October 3rd
To support yourself:
Reach out for support: Grief is isolating. To steer away from isolating yourself, make sure you let those around know, how you’re feeling. Connect with those you feel understood by.
Grief work: Grief work is finding a way to put your loss into perspective and to weave your loss into the fabric of your life. It is allowing feelings, working through them, asking for and receiving comfort. It is remembering the good times and the bad and getting them in perspective. It is remembering and honoring your lost loved one in your heart or in many other ways and by going forward a better person for the gift of that person’s life in your life, no matter how brief. The ‘Capture Your Grief’ project is a one example of doing ‘grief work’.
Facebook: Depending on your use of Facebook, it may be wise to post a comment on your personal page, explaining why and what you’re going to post about during the month of October, for example if you re-post a lot about Pregnancy and Infant Loss to raise awareness. If not, this can be misinterpreted by your friends.
There are a number of groups on Facebook that may be supportive for you. Be aware of the public nature of posting on Facebook, even if it is a private group, so only post what you’re comfortable sharing.
Instagram: Personally, I found the grieving parents community on Instagram to be tremendously supportive and nurturing of each other. How to find them? Search for example #grievingparents and check out the comments underneath the images shared there to find your tribe of like-minded and like-hearted people. Or find me on Instagram under the handle @mymissbliss.
nothing seemed thranteeing to the pregnancy. It scared me alittle but i talked it over with my mom and she helped reasure me that everything was probably fine. (that happened on a thurs) But Sunday morning i noticed alittle bleeding so we went to the emergency room and they monitered me for several hours but they said i wasnt contracting and everything seemed fine so they sent me home on bedrest and set up an appointment the next day at the high risk clinic. I was having really back pain sunday night and i was still bleeding. When they checked me Monday morning at my appointment, I was 1 centimeter dialated. My mom and mother-in-law were with me and when i told them that i couldnt hold my fear in anymore and i started crying, i couldnt believe this was happening. The doctor rushed me back to Labor & Delivery and they started monitering me for contractions. Alan(my husband) arrived soon after that. I remember him asking me if i was scared, and i started crying and said yes. I was scared to death of losing my baby. I was having light contractions and was dialating even more. They gave me medicine to try to stop contractions and laid me flat on my back with the head of the bed tilted down to take away as much pressure as possible but nothing seemed to be working. I kept trying to believe that God would somehow stop my contractions and that my baby was gonna be ok. I kept asking throughout the day if i was still having regular contractions and at one point it seemed to be slowing down and i started getting more hopeful but the doc came and checked me again and i was almost 5 centimeters dialated and soon after that my water broke. At that point i knew there was no stopping this and all i could do was cry. We were going to lose our baby. I asked for an epidural but by the time they got to my room it was to late. I had to start pushing . Everything inside me was screaming NOOOOO .. you cant do this, its not time, my baby’s to small. The doctor had told me earlier that it was possible my baby would be born alive but there was nothing they could do to help the baby and that he/she would die. I didnt wanna push, I wanted to cry or scream or yell or do something, anything to make this bad dream go away, but it didnt. At 5:01 pm (only 22weeks) our precious little boy,Cody Alan, was stillborn. He was 1lb 9oz and 12.5 inches long. He looked so perfect, his toes and fingers were long just like his mommy and daddy and He looked like his Daddy.They let us hold him for as long as we needed to afterwards. By this time all my family and all of Alan’s family were there with us. There wasnt a single dry eye in the room. Everyone took turns holding him and we got lots of pictures. After probly close to 4 hours i had to go have a D&C done and i couldnt take Cody with me so we said our goodbyes and i gave him to my mom. Leaving that room knowing that when i came back my son would be gone was the hardest thing i have ever had to do in my entire life. It felt like a piece of me had just been ripped out. I cried the whole way back to the OR. When i got back to the room more family and friends had arrived to see us but i dont really remember much about it, i was in a haze, i didnt wanna do anything, not even talk, i just wanted to hold tight to my husband and cry. They released us the next day and we went back to my parents place for the night. I wasnt ready to face going home and seeing my nursury we had just finished acouple days before this nightmare began. We decided to go home the next afternoon and we both cried so hard when we went in the nursury. All our dreams had just been crushed, everything we had been planning for in our lives had suddenly been changed. Thursday of that week we had a small burial service for Cody. That eve we had a visitation time so more extended family and friends could stop by. We dont know why God allowed this to happen, the doctors dont know why i suddenly went into labor but we are choosing to trust that God is going to use this nightmare from his glory and He is going to make us stronger ppl because of it. Thankyou for allowing me to share my story and tell you about my son. I never got to know him but I love him with all my heart and i cant wait till the day i can go to heaven and hold him again.
Dear Monika,
Thank you for sharing your story with us. I’m so sorry for the loss of Cody. Big sigh…
Much Love to you and your family and we hope that the Grieving Parent Support Network is offering your some support.
Nathalie