Grieving Parents Support Network

Find ways for healthy grieving

  • Start Here
    • Welcome, Friend
    • Legal Disclaimer
    • Meet the Founder Nathalie Himmelrich
  • Grief Support
    • Need Grief Support?
    • Peer Support
    • Resources
      • Grief Support Books
    • Supporting Yourself
    • Honouring Your Child
      • Donating a CuddleCot
      • Charity Work
    • Being Supportive
  • Donate
    • Our Charity
    • Make a Charity Donation
    • Our Donors
    • Donate Books
      • Memory Packages
      • Order book packages
  • Books for Grieving Parents
    • GPSN Resource Books
    • Surviving My First Year of Child Loss
      • Surviving My First Year of Child Loss | Book
      • Surviving My First Year of Child Loss | Contributors
      • Donate to the Not-for-Profit Project
    • Das erste Jahr nach dem Verlust meines Kindes überleben | Book
    • Grieving Parents | Book
      • Praise for Grieving Parents
    • Trauernde Eltern | Book
    • May We All Heal Playbook
    • Purchase Books
      • Bulk Order Discounts
      • Order book packages
      • Donate Books
    • Reviews
  • Projects & Events
    • Bridging the Grief Gap
    • May We All Heal
      • May We All Heal 2022 – A New Beginning
      • Share Your Story
    • Advent Calendar
      • Advent Calendar Giveaway Event
      • Advent Calendar Gifts
      • Giveaway Terms and Conditions
    • PAIL — Pregnancy and Infant Loss
    • Grief Reflections
      • Discussions Archive
      • The Hosts – Carly and Nathalie
      • 10 Things About You {Grief Aside}
      • GR Disclaimer
  • Blog
    • Share Your Story
    • Contributors
  • Free Updates
  • enEnglish

Downton Abbey Grief Theory Part 2

March 5, 2016 By Nathalie Himmelrich 1 Comment

What does Downton Abbey have to do with Grief Theories?

This article is not about Downton Abbey per se but shows examples of what we see and hear in mainstream TV shows, the things that get taught and what we come to believe about grief.

Not all the statements are ‘bad’ as you will see but some are based on assumptions. This is also how myths are created. 

If you haven’t read Part 1, click here.

I was interested and started paying attention to the messages they send out about grief and grieving. So here is the collection of the things the characters said after the loss of one of their family members:

THE DOWNTON ABBEY GRIEF APPROACH

Storyline: At the end of season three, Matthew, who had married Mary, the eldest daughter of the family, dies unexpectedly in a car crash after returning home from the hosptial, where Mary had just given birth to their first son.

After Matthew’s death this is what various people say:

How is Mary? She must come out of it at some stage, even if just for her son’s sake.

  • Myth: ‘…for her son’s sake’ is a version of the myth ‘You’ve got to be strong / be strong for other.’
  • Truth: One cannot be strong for others. You can – if that’s authentically here – only be strong in yourself.
  • Truth: Putting on a mask and pretending to be and feel any other thing that is here might be sensible in the moment, it is however not helpful on the long run.

Robert (Mary’s father):

The price of great love is great misery if one of you dies.

  •  Half truth: This is the version of the famous quote by Queen Elizabeth: “Grief is the price we pay for love.” This is however not the whole picture. There are many more and different ways to see what ‘the price’ is that we pay for love, it could also be ‘amazing memories’ or ‘a smile when I think of them’.

Edith (Mary’s sister):

He thought that death was many years away and so it should have been. 

  • Truth: It’s common in the case of unexpected death to be feeling that death was untimely.

Isobel (Matthew’s mother):

When your only child dies you’re not a mother anymore. You’re not anything really.

  • False belief: Here, Isobel is stating that she does no longer feel like a mother but she always remains a mother, just like if my mother dies, I’m still a daughter.
  • Truth: It is important to notice that state of desperation in which she makes those statements and see them in that perspective.
  • Identification with a role: ‘You’re not anything really’ shows her strong identification with being a mother at that stage. If we identify ourselves through our roles we fail to see our inherent value as a being, despite any role.

Cora (Sybil’s mother and Matthew’s mother-in-law) saying to Isobel (Matthew’s mother):

If Sybil had been an only child, I believe I would have died.

  • Comparing Grief: Cora is comparing her grief (losing one daughter of three) with that of Isobel’s (losing her only child). Even though understandable from one grieving mother to another is thoroughly unhelpful and leads to inaccurate conclusions. We cannot enter another person’s grief experience.

Mary (Matthew’s wife):

You don’t seem to understand the death my husband had on me.
Why does everyone have to keep on nagging. My husband is dead. Can’t you all understand what that means?

  • Truth: People don’t understand. They can’t. See above.

In the following scene, Mary is trying to let people know that she can’t deal with things that need attending:

Matthew is dead 50 years before his time, isn’t that enough for me to deal with? 

  • Truth: Grief is overwhelming. People need to be reminded.

Later in series four, Mary’s way of grieving is being questioned and discussed…
Conversation between Mary and her grandmother Violet:
Violet: “Mary, you’ve gone through a hideous time. But now you must remember your son. He needs you, very much.”
Mary: “I don’t think I’m going to be a very good mother.”
Violet: “There is more than one type of good mother. The fact is, you have a straightforward choice before you. You must chose either death or life.”

  • Truth: Interesting conversation… Yes, the son needs his mother.
  • Myth: ‘You must chose between either death or life’ implies ‘you must forget and move on’ – that’s a myth. An emotional relationship remains even when the physical relationship has ended.

Conversation between Violet (Mary’s grandmother) and Robert (Mary’s father) about Mary and her grieving:
Robert: “Mary is broken and bruised and it is our job to wrap her up and keep her save from the world.”
Violet: “No, Robert, it is our job to bring her back to the world.”

  • Truth: Different people have different ideas on what a grieving person needs.

Conversation between Carson (the head butler of the Downton Abbey) and Mary, where she’s asking him for advice or returning and taking on the running of the estate, what her late husband had done before his death:
Carson: “Does this mean you’ve decided to return to the land of the living?”
Mary: “It means I know I’ve spent too long In the land of the dead.”
Carson (holding Mary, while she cries): “You cry my lady. You have a good cry.  If that’s what’s needed now.
And when you’re ready, you can get to work, because you’re strong enough. Strong enough for the task.”

  • Truth: That’s the absolute best sentence here: You cry my lady. You have a good cry.  If that’s what’s needed now. Specifically the last sentence shows that once we understand the bereaved’s needs and allow them, that’s when real grief support is shown.

Mary, while reflecting over her healing from grief is stating such a powerful and common thought:

I have this feeling that when I laugh, read a book or hum a tune it means that I have forgotten him, just for a moment. And it’s that that I can’t bear.

Upon which someone, and I can’t remember whom it was, quotes this beautiful poem by Christina Rosetti:

Better by far you should forget and smile than that you should remember and be sad.

Image Credit: Fanpop.com

Share this:

  • Twitter
  • Facebook
  • Pinterest

Related

Comments

comments

Trackbacks

  1. The Misunderstanding about Grief and Death - Still Standing Magazine says:
    July 7, 2016 at 12:31 pm

    […] in our everyday language (see my articles on Downton Abbey Grief Theory Part 1 here and Part 2 here) that it comes as no surprise that society BELIEVES […]

    Reply

Leave a Reply Cancel reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

nine − 8 =

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.

Join to receive a free 33-steps support guide.

    We respect your privacy. Unsubscribe at anytime.
    Built with ConvertKit

    Hi There, I’m Nathalie…

    I'm the founder of the Grieving Parents Support Network (GPSN), the May We All Heal peer support group. I'm also the author of numerous grief resource books. As a psychotherapist, I work mainly in the area of grief recovery. You can also find me here @NathalieHimmelrich Read More…

    • Start Here
    • Order book packages
    • Donate
    • Donate Books
    • Privacy Policy

    Copyright Nathalie Himmelrich © 2023 · Log in

    We use cookies on our website to give you the most relevant experience by remembering your preferences and repeat visits. By clicking “Accept”, you consent to the use of ALL the cookies. However you may visit Cookie Settings to provide a controlled consent.
    Cookie settingsACCEPT
    Manage consent

    Privacy Overview

    This website uses cookies to improve your experience while you navigate through the website. Out of these cookies, the cookies that are categorized as necessary are stored on your browser as they are essential for the working of basic functionalities of the website. We also use third-party cookies that help us analyze and understand how you use this website. These cookies will be stored in your browser only with your consent. You also have the option to opt-out of these cookies. But opting out of some of these cookies may have an effect on your browsing experience.
    Necessary
    Always Enabled
    Necessary cookies are absolutely essential for the website to function properly. These cookies ensure basic functionalities and security features of the website, anonymously.
    CookieDurationDescription
    cookielawinfo-checkbox-analytics11 monthsThis cookie is set by GDPR Cookie Consent plugin. The cookie is used to store the user consent for the cookies in the category "Analytics".
    cookielawinfo-checkbox-functional11 monthsThe cookie is set by GDPR cookie consent to record the user consent for the cookies in the category "Functional".
    cookielawinfo-checkbox-necessary11 monthsThis cookie is set by GDPR Cookie Consent plugin. The cookies is used to store the user consent for the cookies in the category "Necessary".
    cookielawinfo-checkbox-others11 monthsThis cookie is set by GDPR Cookie Consent plugin. The cookie is used to store the user consent for the cookies in the category "Other.
    cookielawinfo-checkbox-performance11 monthsThis cookie is set by GDPR Cookie Consent plugin. The cookie is used to store the user consent for the cookies in the category "Performance".
    viewed_cookie_policy11 monthsThe cookie is set by the GDPR Cookie Consent plugin and is used to store whether or not user has consented to the use of cookies. It does not store any personal data.
    Functional
    Functional cookies help to perform certain functionalities like sharing the content of the website on social media platforms, collect feedbacks, and other third-party features.
    Performance
    Performance cookies are used to understand and analyze the key performance indexes of the website which helps in delivering a better user experience for the visitors.
    Analytics
    Analytical cookies are used to understand how visitors interact with the website. These cookies help provide information on metrics the number of visitors, bounce rate, traffic source, etc.
    Advertisement
    Advertisement cookies are used to provide visitors with relevant ads and marketing campaigns. These cookies track visitors across websites and collect information to provide customized ads.
    Others
    Other uncategorized cookies are those that are being analyzed and have not been classified into a category as yet.
    Save & Accept
     

    Loading Comments...