Grieving Parents Support Network

Find ways for healthy grieving

  • Start Here
    • Welcome, Friend
    • Legal Disclaimer
    • Meet the Founder Nathalie Himmelrich
  • Grief Support
    • Need Grief Support?
    • Peer Support
    • Resources
      • Grief Support Books
    • Supporting Yourself
    • Honouring Your Child
      • Donating a CuddleCot
      • Charity Work
    • Being Supportive
  • Donate
    • Our Charity
    • Make a Charity Donation
    • Our Donors
    • Donate Books
      • Memory Packages
      • Order book packages
  • Books for Grieving Parents
    • GPSN Resource Books
    • Surviving My First Year of Child Loss
      • Surviving My First Year of Child Loss | Book
      • Surviving My First Year of Child Loss | Contributors
      • Donate to the Not-for-Profit Project
    • Das erste Jahr nach dem Verlust meines Kindes überleben | Book
    • Grieving Parents | Book
      • Praise for Grieving Parents
    • Trauernde Eltern | Book
    • May We All Heal Playbook
    • Purchase Books
      • Bulk Order Discounts
      • Order book packages
      • Donate Books
    • Reviews
  • Projects & Events
    • Bridging the Grief Gap
    • May We All Heal
      • May We All Heal 2022 – A New Beginning
      • Share Your Story
    • Advent Calendar
      • Advent Calendar Giveaway Event
      • Advent Calendar Gifts
      • Giveaway Terms and Conditions
    • PAIL — Pregnancy and Infant Loss
    • Grief Reflections
      • Discussions Archive
      • The Hosts – Carly and Nathalie
      • 10 Things About You {Grief Aside}
      • GR Disclaimer
  • Blog
    • Share Your Story
    • Contributors
  • Free Updates
  • enEnglish

10 Things About Anniversaries Post-Loss

July 26, 2014 By Nathalie Himmelrich 1 Comment

neverforgottenThe journey with grief and healing after loss includes dealing with anniversaries. This might be your loved one’s birthday, death day or any other specific meaningful day in relation to them. In fact, any thing meaningful is a reminder and may trigger reactions and responses – this is very normal.

Here are 10 things (and links to other resources) to help you think about, prepare and nurture yourself when approaching anniversaries and other meaningful dates.

1. Anniversary reactions are normal

Even years after the loss you may have emotional reactions to anniversaries. You might feel sad, angry, contemplative or any other emotions. Remembering them as being normal can help you understand and take them as healing opportunities.

2. Do whatever feels right for you

Take it in your hands, take responsibility to make the day meaningful / helpful / healing-ful for you. Healing is YOUR choice, remembering too.
There are many ideas and suggestions out there. Find some here on CarlyMarie’s site or here on What’s Your Grief’s site. Both of those sites have additional great resources and articles. Or you might search google and find many more ideas. Read up on ideas and make your choice.

If you have done something special please share it in the comments for others to read and benefit.

3. Manage your expectations of others

This might sound harsh but no one is required to remember your loved one. Thinking that others should/need to… will turn into disappointment. Everyone is doing the best they can, some remember but prefer not to talk about it and some don’t remember. In addition, they are not mind readers and therefore do not know whether you prefer to talk about your child or not. In general, society does keep quiet for ‘fear’ of the potential emotional reaction they might trigger.

4. Speak up

Say what you need. Involve those that are important to you. On the first birthday of my daughter I asked the family to bring something from nature, like a stone, feather etc. to remember Amya. We held a small circle and each person was invited to speak. This is what I needed and by letting people know, it happened. On the girls 2nd birthday, I made this. Just for myself – the way I wanted to honour Amya.
5. Be true to yourself

What you feel like doing or not do, is not necessarily what another mother or father chooses to do. Stay true to yourself. There is no guideline on what needs to happen on anniversaries.

6. Guilt

Please remember guilt is reserved for a purposeful act intended to harm someone physically or emotionally. This is not the case if you don’t feel like doing something but think you should… Be gentle with yourself and – you’re doing it right by doing what feels right.

7. My partner does think about him/her

Generally speaking, more often women feel that their man does not think or remember the child’s birthday or anniversary. Even though it might be true that men more often forget special dates, be aware of what you imply: Have you asked him (or her)?

More often than not, men tend to internalise their processes and women externalise them. Having interviewed many bereaved parents, both fathers and mothers I do know that it is not true that they don’t remember. They do. They just have different ways to do it.

8. Let people know

As mentioned before, people do not know unless you tell them. Help people understand what it is you need by letting them know.

9. A word about self-expectations

Beside the expectation we have of others, we also consciously or unconsciously internalise what we have heard or read. Expecting yourself to be, react or experience different that you are leads to self imposed stress. Notice if that is what is happening. Let go. Allow yourself to be the way it is.

10. Any day can be a ‘remembrance’ day

Any day you have loaded with meaning can trigger beautiful or stressful memories. As in life in general, so in post-loss life. If you have too many days loaded with stressful triggers of grief, maybe it’s time to off-load them and re-load them with more helpful meaning. I will show you how in a future post. Stay tuned.

 

Share this:

  • Twitter
  • Facebook
  • Pinterest

Related

Comments

comments

Comments

  1. Kristin says

    July 28, 2014 at 7:26 pm

    I understand where you’re coming from with number 3 but I want to add my 2 cents in. If you have close family and friends who are aware of how you spend the anniversaries and they don’t go out of their way to help make that day a little bit easier on you, you’re allowed to be disappointed. Yes, I expect that my daughter’s grandparents, aunts and uncles remember her. I’m not asking for a big donation in her name, but if you really care for me the very least you can do is send a quick text that reads something like “thinking of you you”. My family and friends (and everyone I have on social media) know that we talk about her and plan things to make the anniversaries special and a little bit easier. They may not be required to remember her, but if that’s the case, I’m not required to keep those kinds of people on my life.

    Reply

Leave a Reply Cancel reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

14 − two =

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.

Join to receive a free 33-steps support guide.

    We respect your privacy. Unsubscribe at anytime.
    Built with ConvertKit

    Hi There, I’m Nathalie…

    I'm the founder of the Grieving Parents Support Network (GPSN), the May We All Heal peer support group. I'm also the author of numerous grief resource books. As a psychotherapist, I work mainly in the area of grief recovery. You can also find me here @NathalieHimmelrich Read More…

    • Start Here
    • Order book packages
    • Donate
    • Donate Books
    • Privacy Policy

    Copyright Nathalie Himmelrich © 2023 · Log in

    We use cookies on our website to give you the most relevant experience by remembering your preferences and repeat visits. By clicking “Accept”, you consent to the use of ALL the cookies. However you may visit Cookie Settings to provide a controlled consent.
    Cookie settingsACCEPT
    Manage consent

    Privacy Overview

    This website uses cookies to improve your experience while you navigate through the website. Out of these cookies, the cookies that are categorized as necessary are stored on your browser as they are essential for the working of basic functionalities of the website. We also use third-party cookies that help us analyze and understand how you use this website. These cookies will be stored in your browser only with your consent. You also have the option to opt-out of these cookies. But opting out of some of these cookies may have an effect on your browsing experience.
    Necessary
    Always Enabled
    Necessary cookies are absolutely essential for the website to function properly. These cookies ensure basic functionalities and security features of the website, anonymously.
    CookieDurationDescription
    cookielawinfo-checkbox-analytics11 monthsThis cookie is set by GDPR Cookie Consent plugin. The cookie is used to store the user consent for the cookies in the category "Analytics".
    cookielawinfo-checkbox-functional11 monthsThe cookie is set by GDPR cookie consent to record the user consent for the cookies in the category "Functional".
    cookielawinfo-checkbox-necessary11 monthsThis cookie is set by GDPR Cookie Consent plugin. The cookies is used to store the user consent for the cookies in the category "Necessary".
    cookielawinfo-checkbox-others11 monthsThis cookie is set by GDPR Cookie Consent plugin. The cookie is used to store the user consent for the cookies in the category "Other.
    cookielawinfo-checkbox-performance11 monthsThis cookie is set by GDPR Cookie Consent plugin. The cookie is used to store the user consent for the cookies in the category "Performance".
    viewed_cookie_policy11 monthsThe cookie is set by the GDPR Cookie Consent plugin and is used to store whether or not user has consented to the use of cookies. It does not store any personal data.
    Functional
    Functional cookies help to perform certain functionalities like sharing the content of the website on social media platforms, collect feedbacks, and other third-party features.
    Performance
    Performance cookies are used to understand and analyze the key performance indexes of the website which helps in delivering a better user experience for the visitors.
    Analytics
    Analytical cookies are used to understand how visitors interact with the website. These cookies help provide information on metrics the number of visitors, bounce rate, traffic source, etc.
    Advertisement
    Advertisement cookies are used to provide visitors with relevant ads and marketing campaigns. These cookies track visitors across websites and collect information to provide customized ads.
    Others
    Other uncategorized cookies are those that are being analyzed and have not been classified into a category as yet.
    Save & Accept
     

    Loading Comments...