My daughter is 6. She loves babies. She talks a lot. She also talks a lot about her brother. The three listed are her favorites, talking about her baby brother. Many of our conversations end up talking about him and I love it. She is my buddy.
K: Mami, now that M (my sister) has had her baby, maybe S (my cousin) will have her baby.
T: S will not have a baby.
K: Why not, doesn’t she like babies?
T: She does, she loved you when you were a baby. She is now too old to have a baby. I am also too old to have a baby.
K: Why did she not have a baby before, when she was not too old? Don’t all girls have babies?
T: No, not all women have babies, some decide not to, some want to, but are unable.
K: I love babies, I would love to have babies, but I don’t want to.
T: What do you mean?
K: Well, I would want to have many babies, but I don’t want my tummy to hurt.
T: I promise that all the pain is forgotten in an instant once you hold your healthy baby. This is how it was for me when you and J were born.
K: What if something happens, what if it happens to me, the same as it was with Tapio, what if that happens?
T: I don’t know, I just hope this does not happen to you. I do not want this for you.
K: Mami, did everyone in the hospital know Tapio was the cutest and the tiniest baby?
T: Yes, they knew he was tiny. If he had the time to grow, he would not be so small.
K: Yes but he was, he is the sweetest baby.
T: Yes, he is.
K: I miss him, I wish he was here, alive.
T: I wish that too.
This is how it goes. So often. And my heart swells of pride, cracks of hurt and screams in pain, all at the same time. She doesn’t question the tears anymore, she knows why they come. I hope we never stop with these conversations.
With Love, Tina
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