Grieving Parents Support Network

Find ways for healthy grieving

  • Start Here
    • Welcome, Friend
    • Legal Disclaimer
    • Meet the Founder Nathalie Himmelrich
  • Grief Support
    • Need Grief Support?
    • Peer Support
    • Resources
      • Grief Support Books
    • Supporting Yourself
    • Honouring Your Child
      • Donating a CuddleCot
      • Charity Work
    • Being Supportive
  • Donate
    • Our Charity
    • Make a Charity Donation
    • Our Donors
    • Donate Books
      • Memory Packages
      • Order book packages
  • Books for Grieving Parents
    • GPSN Resource Books
    • Surviving My First Year of Child Loss
      • Surviving My First Year of Child Loss | Book
      • Surviving My First Year of Child Loss | Contributors
      • Donate to the Not-for-Profit Project
    • Das erste Jahr nach dem Verlust meines Kindes überleben | Book
    • Grieving Parents | Book
      • Praise for Grieving Parents
    • Trauernde Eltern | Book
    • May We All Heal Playbook
    • Purchase Books
      • Bulk Order Discounts
      • Order book packages
      • Donate Books
    • Reviews
  • Projects & Events
    • Bridging the Grief Gap
    • May We All Heal
      • May We All Heal 2022 – A New Beginning
      • Share Your Story
    • Advent Calendar
      • Advent Calendar Giveaway Event
      • Advent Calendar Gifts
      • Giveaway Terms and Conditions
    • PAIL — Pregnancy and Infant Loss
    • Grief Reflections
      • Discussions Archive
      • The Hosts – Carly and Nathalie
      • 10 Things About You {Grief Aside}
      • GR Disclaimer
  • Blog
    • Share Your Story
    • Contributors
  • Free Updates

Ten Lessons in Ten Weeks After Ten Years of Healing

September 10, 2018 By Rachel Tenpenny 2 Comments

0
SHARES
ShareTweet

It has been ten years since Aubrey and Ellie died. Ten years. I never thought I’d get through ten minutes without them let alone ten years.

For those of you who don’t know my story, my twin daughter died after 7 and 13 days of life in 2008. I was 28 years old with a 2 and a half-year-old son simply trying to grow my family. I wasn’t any different than any other mom I knew and there were no special circumstances to my situation. One day I was pregnant with twins and in a blink, I was in preterm labor for what is still an unexplained reason. My labor was unstoppable and it forced my sweet girls into the world way too soon. They fought as hard as they could but there is a reason babies are supposed to stay in their cozy womb for nine months instead of six and all the advanced medical care in the world isn’t always enough to make up the difference.

Ellie died first on day 7 after her intestine ruptured. Then Aubrey died 6 days later. We chose to remove her from life support after a second brain hemorrhage stole her quality of life. I watched the light go out of her after her sister died and when her brain filled with blood for the second time I didn’t see any fight left in her. I did what every mother never wants to have to do – let go. As I write this I still can’t believe that decision was ten years ago because it feels like yesterday.

That means ten years of crying, of missing them, of asking really hard questions, and waking up every morning having to make the same decision again and again; to keep going. Ten years means a lot of mistakes, a lot of successes, and a lot of transformation. Ten years has earned me the opportunity to offer some wisdom because I’m still close enough to remember but far enough away to see more clearly than I did when my grief was new and my loss was recent.

The bottom line is this; I’ve learned a lot about healing (emphasis on the word healing) in ten years, helpful things that I wish someone would have shared with me. This isn’t a ten-part recounting of my grief. We don’t need any more of that in this community. We all know what grief looks like, we are living it. What is missing from this space are more examples of healing. If healing is possible, we should see it, it should be all around us.

And, in case you are wondering if you can trust me, I can only say this; I have not walked a perfect road and I’ll never pretend that I have. I reacted to my grief in some ugly, destructive ways. I also responded to my grief in beautiful and meaningful ways.  Under all the pain, anger, and disorientation of grief is a fighter with an inexhaustible love for life. This combination of hope and my refusal to give up is what I credit for the healing I have experienced. That and lots of cups of tea.

So, can you trust me? Maybe not with a houseplant (I seem to kill every plant I’ve ever had in my care), but with that tiny spark in you that wants to believe that healing is possible even though grief is crushing every ounce of hope out of you? ABSOLUTELY. You can trust that if I can heal, you can too.

So, for the next ten weeks, I’ll post one lesson a week, recounting the epiphanies that impacted my healing most. I hope they have the same impact on your healing.

Questions? Please reach out to me in the comments. I’ll do my best to help anyway I can.

Share this:

  • Twitter
  • Facebook
  • Pinterest

Related

Comments

comments

Comments

  1. Dacil Burgos says

    October 1, 2018 at 10:42 am

    Thank you for sharing your story. Your beautiful girls will be remembered. I lost my beloved AnaBella on the 19th of May 2018, she caught NEC at 30 weeks gestation. She lived 28 days and fought hard to live. Its only been 4 months for me and Im grieving, my soul calls to her. In ten years what has kept you going?

    Reply
    • Rachel Tenpenny says

      October 2, 2018 at 12:14 am

      I’m so sorry for your loss. You are grieving of course and you should give yourself lots and lots of grace. I’m happy to share with you what has helped me heal over the last decade, but while you read this I want you to remember that it is still early for you. Grief demands a season of pure survival. Early grief requires snot, tears, a billion cups of tea, hugs, rest, and asking for a lot of help. Just getting out of bed in the morning is an accomplishment. Breathing. Getting to the grocery store. Taking a shower. All these things are big deals under the weight of such sadness. Don’t expect too much right now. Go one day at a time. Make one small choice that supports your heart and brings you comfort every day. You’ll get stronger, but not overnight. Be kind to yourself. Your sweet girl is worth crying over.

      A lot of things have kept me going. The biggest one of them was the promise I made to myself to heal. I didn’t want to be sad forever so I was “driven” for lack of a better term to find, use, discover, and create if need be, the things I needed to stoke the dwindling fire in my grieving soul. The first one was tea. I drank cups and cups of warm soothing tea. That is why I create Teamotions (www.teamotionstea.com). Tea was essential. It was like carrying around a security blanket or holding someone’s hand. I needed it. I still drink tea daily to comfort and soothe myself.

      The second was exercise. I needed the physical outlet. I started running. I trained for Toughmudders. I did mud runs. I got in the gym. Getting stronger and healing my physical body helped me get stronger and heal emotionally. I wasn’t obsessed. I still made sure to rest and I had a toddler to care for, but my time connecting with and moving my physical body helped me see I can do more than I think. I’m stronger than I thought. To this day I still workout. Find me on Instagram to see my recent exercise journey ten years later. @rachtenp

      The third was surrounding myself with loving, supportive, understanding people and setting boundaries with unsupportive, judgy, or clueless people. You need a support system but that support system needs to be rock solid. My support system has changed over the years because my needs have changed. Don’t be afraid to ask for different help or make different choices as your needs evolve. What works for us at one point might not work for us later and that is ok.

      Fourth, I protected my sleep and energy output. Hot yoga, chamomile tea, warm baths, not over-committing myself…I simply wasn’t operating on all cylinders and I knew it. I learned to say no to a lot. I went to bed when my toddler did. I underachieved. I knew that striving and pushing were not for this season. When I grew stronger and had more energy I did more, but I didn’t force it. I waited until I was ready. And I didn’t let anyone else put pressure on me.

      And lastly (not really last but the last thing I’m going to mention because the truth is many many things added up to a decade of healing) I decided to keep going. I just decided. And every day I re-decided. And if I had a give-up or give-in day that was okay too and the next day I just decided once again to keep going. Ten years later I re-decide every single day to heal. It’s a lifestyle, a choice, a constant process not a destination. I can also tell you that for me that first 18 months were the hardest. And after ten years I DO NOT REGRET healing. I don’t regret fighting for my own heart.

      Remember this, your baby is honored more in your healing than in your hurting.

      Reply

Leave a Reply Cancel reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

thirteen + 8 =

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.

Hi There, I’m Nathalie…

I'm the founder of the Grieving Parents Support Network (GPSN), the May We All Heal peer support group. I'm also the author of numerous grief resource books. As a psychotherapist, I work mainly in the area of grief recovery. You can also find me here @NathalieHimmelrich Read More…

  • Start Here
  • Order book packages
  • Donate
  • Donate Books
  • Privacy Policy

Copyright Nathalie Himmelrich © 2023 · Log in

We use cookies on our website to give you the most relevant experience by remembering your preferences and repeat visits. By clicking “Accept”, you consent to the use of ALL the cookies. However you may visit Cookie Settings to provide a controlled consent.
Cookie settingsACCEPT
Manage consent

Privacy Overview

This website uses cookies to improve your experience while you navigate through the website. Out of these cookies, the cookies that are categorized as necessary are stored on your browser as they are essential for the working of basic functionalities of the website. We also use third-party cookies that help us analyze and understand how you use this website. These cookies will be stored in your browser only with your consent. You also have the option to opt-out of these cookies. But opting out of some of these cookies may have an effect on your browsing experience.
Necessary
Always Enabled
Necessary cookies are absolutely essential for the website to function properly. These cookies ensure basic functionalities and security features of the website, anonymously.
CookieDurationDescription
cookielawinfo-checkbox-analytics11 monthsThis cookie is set by GDPR Cookie Consent plugin. The cookie is used to store the user consent for the cookies in the category "Analytics".
cookielawinfo-checkbox-functional11 monthsThe cookie is set by GDPR cookie consent to record the user consent for the cookies in the category "Functional".
cookielawinfo-checkbox-necessary11 monthsThis cookie is set by GDPR Cookie Consent plugin. The cookies is used to store the user consent for the cookies in the category "Necessary".
cookielawinfo-checkbox-others11 monthsThis cookie is set by GDPR Cookie Consent plugin. The cookie is used to store the user consent for the cookies in the category "Other.
cookielawinfo-checkbox-performance11 monthsThis cookie is set by GDPR Cookie Consent plugin. The cookie is used to store the user consent for the cookies in the category "Performance".
viewed_cookie_policy11 monthsThe cookie is set by the GDPR Cookie Consent plugin and is used to store whether or not user has consented to the use of cookies. It does not store any personal data.
Functional
Functional cookies help to perform certain functionalities like sharing the content of the website on social media platforms, collect feedbacks, and other third-party features.
Performance
Performance cookies are used to understand and analyze the key performance indexes of the website which helps in delivering a better user experience for the visitors.
Analytics
Analytical cookies are used to understand how visitors interact with the website. These cookies help provide information on metrics the number of visitors, bounce rate, traffic source, etc.
Advertisement
Advertisement cookies are used to provide visitors with relevant ads and marketing campaigns. These cookies track visitors across websites and collect information to provide customized ads.
Others
Other uncategorized cookies are those that are being analyzed and have not been classified into a category as yet.
Save & Accept
 

Loading Comments...