Some days I need to make a balance sheet. Draw a line. Do a recap in order to see where I am and what I have achieved in the last 3,5 years since I have lost my son.
It’s interesting, how the count starts then. Of course there are things that have been ongoing for a longer period of time, but his death was the turning point in so many ways.
Sitting in my apartment, the kids with their dad has been the most reflective time for me. When everything goes quiet and when my thoughts start running or calming down. And sometimes they still escape, to the endless spin, threatening to drown me completely. A place where most often sleep saves me from. But there are more times when I just am and it is enough and I realize I am happier and relieved in so many ways.
Ending my marriage was not as hard for me as I had expected, most probably because I have grieved it, along with the death of our boy, for some time before the actual end. It has been a process, difficult and painful at times, but so right and freeing at the point when it actually happened.
I have never in my life been more true to myself than I am now, never have I before felt that I am exactly where I am supposed to be.
I wish so many things were different, I wish this was my life and my son was in it too, taking my hand when we cross the road, telling me all about his day at day care, showing me a new game he learned. My life is different though. It is on and off weeks with my living kids, it’s coming home to an empty home often, it is 2 instead of 3 kisses good night. But it is also time for me when I need it, it is trying out new things, finding passions again, falling in love with life and people.
Grief changes and transforms, it does not get better we just transform with it and get better equipped to carry it, we balance better, we shift with it, we manage the weight better. There is not a moment in my life when I do not miss my son. There is not a moment when his missing is not evident.
But right now and today I am ok.
With Love, Tina
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