I am a letter writer. From the first letter I wrote to my first pen friend many years ago, I was a letter writer. I wrote countless letters throughout teenage years and continued to do so far in my 20s, exchanging letters with friends, family, teachers, lovers. I feel like everything I wrote since he has been gone has been one big endless love letter.
My Darling Boy,
Where do I even start, how do I even say?
I miss you. I miss you in the morning when the laughter comes riding on the morning sun, I miss you in the daytime when the chatter takes over the space, I miss you in the evening when we share hugs and kisses, I miss you in the night when the warmth of your siblings finds shelter in my embrace.
I want to share it all with you, I want to share this world with you. I want to hear you call my name when you wake up, the little stomps of your growing little feet, the giggle when you find me and the sounds of satisfaction when you find safety in my arms.
I want to see your eyes sparkle, your face shine when you discover something new, your mouth form that perfect Tapio smile.
I want to smell your morning self, the flower that you bring me, the outside air you bring when you run to greet me, your freshly washed hair.
I want to touch your face, hold your stretched out hand and hold you in a my arms.
Instead, let me show you what I see. Let me share the beauty that is around, the beauty you are sharing with me.
I will always long for you to run with me through the autumn forest, to watch you make a friend, to dream with you about the future… I will always long to hear your heart beat, to know your smell, to recognize your voice and to know the beauty you are.
I love you. Every day is full of you. Every day is full without you. Every day is completely incomplete, every perfect picture imperfect and my heart forever broken. Even as I write this I cannot comprehend how you once were and now you are not. I need you so much.
I will always be the keeper of your memory.
I love you, to your shooting star and further,