These days my mind wanders often. It wanders to places from my childhood, to the feelings of warmth, safety and comfort. Spaces filled with love. The memories have been flooding me. The ones that have had no entry for decades.
For the majority of the time, I feel strangely at peace in this current situation. I also feel prepared and equipped. The loss of my son has somehow left me with this coping mechanism to be able to work with what I can and what is in front of me. Therefore it has been pretty manageable to do the distance school thing with my living children, to not worry about what will be as they are healthy and content, to not worry about my personal situation as the whole world has somehow stopped.
I see the collective grief taking over so many people’s existence. I see how most who have not had experience in losing loved ones are having a hard time. Never would I have thought the death of my child would equip me with ways to cope with the distress mankind is currently under. Who would have thought? That the self isolation and the numbness of the majority of the first year after he died would help me with easier transition to the social distancing we are currently under. The grief connections I had made with people worldwide would still be so present and constant for so long. These now feel as one of the normal things that have not changed during this madness. That this whole situation would leave me so peaceful that memories of my childhood would find a way in again.
And there he is, the root of it all – my boy, who teaches me so much with his big invisible presence. The boy who helps me see beyond the fear. Lets me embrace the situation no matter what it is. Who keeps being the guide I never thought I needed. My heart aches every day without him, but is also so full knowing he is with me – always.
With Love, Tina
P.S. For the ones struggling, please reach out.