He was missing. He was missing way before. Way before he became. His place was with us before I was facing secondary infertility and he just did not happen, his place was with us before we moved countries, his place was with us even when we held our first newborn son while mourning my husband’s … [Read more...]
The Day I Left Him Behind
The memory of that day is still very present for me. The day that I held it together while I was falling apart. The day that has so much meaning, but I wish it did not exist. The day that was so full but left me going home empty handed.That day that started it all, this process, this work, this … [Read more...]
Relationships
My father called today. He said it has been a month since we have spoken. He asked about my health, and I get surprised when he does that because there is nothing wrong with my physical health. He uses the specific vocabulary as if referring to my physical well being, but actually asking about my … [Read more...]
His Name
I guess I chose his name at the time he died. Not at the very moment, even though the moment he died plays in my head over and over... my body let me know, I just was not ready to listen, so my body decided to ignore it too... for a while I lived a happy life with a dead baby inside, with all the … [Read more...]
Beginnings
These are my thoughts from the early days. There are parts I didn't think I was ever going to talk about. Parts I felt I needed to hide, because of shame and fear. Grief morphs all the time and what all this change has done for me is that I am open and able to share my whole story as it is. There is … [Read more...]