Grief Work

Being actively working on my grief is something that is an unavoidable task on my journey.

Part of that is Carly Marie’s ‘Capture Your Grief’ project run every year in October. It is one example of what I call ‘Grief Work’. I am sharing this with you to give you an insight one what reflection means and does.

Day 1 – Sunrise

There is no sunrise here in #Zurich #Switzerland due to rain.

I’ve chosen the best picture to symbolise sunrise as today’s prompt on

#captureyourgrief
#whathealsyourheart –

October is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness month.

Join the project my dear friend @carlymariedudley from Project Heal has put on.

#whathealsyourheart?

Day 2 – Heart

My girls were born on the first day of spring. Their birth was magical, to say the least. Here they were: amazing spirits arriving on the physical plane in tiny bodies.

Hope’s mission was fulfilled: being a Shepard for Passion to arrive safely into this world.
Knowing this to be true, my mother heart is overflowing with love and my spirit smiles.
The tears from my human eyes are from the longing I experience for your physical presence.

I will cherish the one time I held you on my chest.
Tomorrow it will be 37 months that I carry you, Hope, in my heart.
Always. Until we meet again.

Day 3 – Before

Before Amya died I was a realist, always thinking and analysing things deeply. Continuously challenging myself to learn more about myself and humanity, working passionately with clients through challenging situations and at the same time enjoying my life being mindful about the blessings around me. I was also naive to a certain degree as to what it means to look in the eyes of death. I was a person that people appreciated because I was thoughtful and considerate.

I miss being carefree, untouched by the reality of life and death.
I loved being free spirited and passionate about my life.
I disliked my overbearing perfectionism and always pushing myself to the limit (in certain regards I still do that now).

The biggest change, challenge and blessing in my life was to become and be a mother. Even though this happened at almost the same time, I don’t think as life before and after Amya died, it’s my life before and after becoming and being a mother.

I definitely have always been and always will be changing, very consciously and driven to be open and look for potential to grow. At the same time, I am not a big friend of change and need time to get used to changes… Contradicting? Yes, that’s me.

Day 4 – Now

Right now it has been 3 years 1 month and 1 day since Amya died.
I have learnt to embrace life and death, yet it has come with some sadness and heaviness to think about how tired I have become from the journey I had to take. It’s been a long windy road for the past three years…

A while ago I wrote this:

“I am here now
Grief has made me more real
more myself than I have ever been
I can be true to myself
and disappoint another
because I stood eye to eye with death
I handed over my daughter
to be the soaring spirit
she was meant to be
and even though I was disappointed
(and that’s mildly put)
I knew she was and always has been
true to her own soul.”

It took me quite some time and deep & conscious ‘grief work’ before I am now able to enjoy life again. I have lost nativity and carefree-ness. I’m probably less ‘socially digest-able’, am clearer with what and whom I want to spend the rest of my time here on earth.

Liking my New Normal self is an ongoing process.
I like being more real, more honest and at the same time I struggle with the friendships it has cost me. I also feel that I have aged disproportionally to the time that has passed…

I hope to become a beacon of light for those who are on their journey with grief to guide them along and navigate the deep and dark waters…

Day 5 – Journal

I wrote journals as a teenager. Later on and off until I got pregnant.
I wrote a journal from day 1 of my pregnancy, and I mean that literally, given we conceived via IVF.
I wrote letters to Hope from the day after she passed.
I still write letters to Ananda Mae, not as many as I wish though.

The book “Grieving Parents” was born out of the encouragement and feedback I received from my published notes – which I would classify as my public journal.

Writing helps. Even if it does not make sense while doing it.
Even if no one reads it. Even if I never read it again.
And still, when I read those lines from the past, I see how far I’ve come.

Day 6 – Books

Today has been a challenging day for me… I have not been able to brush away the fog covering my spirit… I have been quietly turned inward, hunched over on my desk and head supported by my hand, challenged to the core by my extroverted spirited little 3 year old. As much as I love her, today I could not be the mother she deserves.

Books have been my friends for life. They are there whenever I need them, patiently waiting, without judgment or impatience. They don’t mind me being quiet…

These books on my writer’s desk have accompanied the writing of my own book “Grieving Parents: Surviving Loss as a Couple”.
It is THIS book that I wrote that has had the most impact on my healing: being engulfed by the topic, writing down my story, revisiting the pain, witnessing the parents’ stories I had the honor of interviewing – I was digging as deep as I could…

It has touched me to see some others in this project showing images of MY book as example of what has helped them. I bow in deep humility and with gratitude to the gift Amya has brought into this world through her presence and impact in my life. It is my wish that one day many of you will have this book on their night side table, showing this book as their ‘Guiding Light’ in their journey to survive loss as a couple…

Part 2 – as I wrote part 1 I realized that I had not shown the book that has the biggest impact on my healing journey. Here it is: Grieving Parents: Surviving Loss as a Couple.

It is THIS book that I wrote that has had the most impact on my healing: being engulfed by the topic, writing down my story, revisiting the pain, witnessing the parents’ stories I had the honor of interviewing – I was digging as deep as I could…

It has touched me to see some others in this project showing images of MY book as example of what has helped them. I bow in deep humility and with gratitude to the gift Amya has brought into this world through her presence and impact in my life. It is my wish that one day many of you will have this book on their night side table, showing this book as their ‘Guiding Light’ in their journey to survive loss as a couple…

Day 7 – Sacred Place

My most sacred place would have to be Hope’s Place, a secluded beach on the tip of Long Reef, near Dee Why, NSW, Australia, where we used to live until 2 years ago.
This is where we scattered Amya’s ashes, 3 years ago, on the 16th of October.
As part of that ritual I placed a heart shaped stone into the sea, a symbol of my love for her.

For weeks I remember walking from our home to this secluded beach many times, mostly early mornings when people were still asleep and no other than me would walk along the beach.
Months later I walked there by myself one day, and all I remember was ‘I need to find my heart-stone’. I wanted to take it with me as we were moving to Switzerland. A ridiculous idea, given the tide came in on that rocky-sandy beach twice a day. My mind was set and I kept looking and looking and – who would believe it – I found it! I could hardly believe it myself.

This stone now sits above the mangowood mandala pictured here, which is part of the sacred space I created in my bedroom. Every morning when I wake up and every night when I go to bed, my first and last thoughts are with Amya, and the love I have for her that I will always hold in my heart.

Day 8 – Resource

My inner resourcefulness – where were you when I needed you the most?

Grief and sleepiness nights (due to new motherhood) had stripped me naked. I felt like a walking corpse.

In the first weeks I probably wouldn’t have been able to continue living and functioning without the people surrounding me, you know if I’m talking about you. Some of my friends who I call ‘angels in human form’ were present right from the beginning and saw Amya while she was still alive. Some brought meals, ran errands, others helped organise the celebration. And I’m sure (and know) there were those who were lost for words and kept away.

The first place I reached out to was my GP. I asked for a referral to a psychologist, specialized in grief. I was so lucky to be in her care – especially when a few months later my mother died.

Basically if help was offered, I took it.

Friends talked about resilience and the strength they saw in me. I did neither have a touch of resilience nor a pinch of strength left I me… Or so it seemed to me at the time. Even my self-perception was tainted which, as I know now, is a normal grief reaction.

Resources have such an important place in healing. Looking back I notice that the first two institution, that had tremendous impact were ‘Bears of Hope’ and ‘Heartfelt Australia’ both of which feature as resources in my book and still hold a central place in my heart.

Day 9 – In Memory

In Memory of Hope…

– I raise her sister
– I think of Hope every day
– I carry the tattoo with her name so I can carry both of my girls on my arm
– I walked the labyrinth in Chartres
– I am trying to be the best mother I can be
– I take part I this project
– I’ve written the book “Grieving Parents” for the past year
– I am writing this.

Day 10 – Support

Thank you for YOUR support. You’ve made a difference in my life.

As mentioned on ‘Resource Day’ I wouldn’t know where I’d be today without the human support, those who carried my spirit to continue to LIVE in this body.

I was so tired from the emotional pain of grief, I’ve never been more tired, tired from living with the pain… Yes, I didn’t see much point, besides caring for AM.

So here I give thanks… And so here I started writing the names but I stopped after 37, realizing that I would never able to mention everyone. Feel yourself included, if…
– you sat there with me in hospital
– you saw Amya as she was alive
– you sat there holding my hand as I cried
– you delivered meals, cards and present
– you turned up on our door step
– you helped organise Amya’s celebration of life
– you attended her celebration or thought of us as you couldn’t make it
– you reached out from afar, even just with a thought of love and sympathy
– you continued to reach out
– you are reading this (as you re supporting my on-going healing)

Thank you for YOUR support. You’ve made a difference in my life.