This morning I woke up with a scream that woke my husband. I couldn’t breathe. I got up and I found my spot in my daughter’s bed. It was not enough for me to feel her warmth or hear her breathing, I needed to hold her and I needed her to know I was there and react. I woke her up so she recognized I … [Read more...]
The Love and Grief Conversations
My daughter is 6. She loves babies. She talks a lot. She also talks a lot about her brother. The three listed are her favorites, talking about her baby brother. Many of our conversations end up talking about him and I love it. She is my buddy.K: Mami, now that M (my sister) has had her baby, … [Read more...]
Due Date
As my day turns into next...I was supposed to be all covered in flour. Mixing bowls on the counter, choosing how to decorate a cake - an animal theme. Two candles ready...an eager boy ready to blow. Wishes for a firetruck, a farm - filled when you opened your presents. Excitement, laughter, … [Read more...]
A Different Kind of Place
I was reflecting on the lunch meeting I had on Monday. A fellow bereaved mother sat across from me and we seemingly interacted like everyone around us. But were we really? The place was crowded and the tables were close together, the sound of chatter filled the space, word exchanges, gestures, … [Read more...]
The Inbetween
He was missing. He was missing way before. Way before he became. His place was with us before I was facing secondary infertility and he just did not happen, his place was with us before we moved countries, his place was with us even when we held our first newborn son while mourning my husband’s … [Read more...]