This morning I woke up with a scream that woke my husband. I couldn’t breathe. I got up and I found my spot in my daughter’s bed. It was not enough for me to feel her warmth or hear her breathing, I needed to hold her and I needed her to know I was there and react. I woke her up so she recognized I was there, she turned towards me and asked me if I came to hold her. Yes, that was why I was there.
I was also there because bad dreams have power, they play with my mind, a moment is enough. No matter how realistic or not, the fear is real and this fear was enough for me to go and check on my daughter’s breathing, her reaction if she was alive.
Early grief was constant controlling, checking, making sure… they are warm, they are breathing, they are alive. Holding hands, co-sleeping, never leaving.
With time, this changed for me… I don’t check many times at night anymore, once before I go to bed and I listen in if I am the first one up in the morning. I let go a bit. I let go of expectations, anticipation… with that, I got calmer and present. And as much as this makes my life quality way better it is always a shock when the wind hits the wall again. Like this morning, when she died in my dream and my breath was taken from me again.
No matter how much time I am living without one of my children, no matter how comfortable life seems to get, or how much calmer or happier I am, the hurricane of grief seems to be luring in the shadows.
It is evening where I am, I got through this hard day, let her very capable daycare teachers take care of my daughter, let her go to a birthday party of her best friend and held her, laughed with her and talked to her in the time between. And somehow survived the shadows of today.
With Love, Tina