There are so many things that I don’t remember.
I don’t remember how it felt before grief took over; how relationships and life in general influenced my emotional and mental state then. Was I always happy and content? Was my mind not as occupied? I honestly don’t remember. It is probably more the idea of the life lived out that plays in my mind. It must have been different, better, happier… I mean, we had it all, nobody died yet.
I didn’t think I was ever going to reach this moment. When things would transform from the early grief days. But in a way, Now is all I know. Now is also where he exists and I don’t really remember my life before and without him in it. I remember it in chunks; the joys of two babies before him, how it felt like to grow a family, how joyful it was to anticipate again. In what I remember and keep, he has always been here. He is such a big part of my family and me, his presence always so prominent and real.
I am aware that in general, families don’t usually talk about babies that are no longer alive, that it is not a part of their conversation, but it is in our house and because he is such a big part, everyone that visits us goes home with a bit of our story, a sprinkle of his magic. His name is a beautiful melody that bounces from the walls in our home, the wish for his presence echoes everywhere, the love for this little boy is in every sentence spoken.
I wonder if it would be different, if love for him would be different if he was growing in front of my eyes. All I know is that Now and here, he is a part of every part of me, everything I do and everything I am and I wouldn’t want it any different. Still my heart, my arms and my whole being will always long to hold him.
With Love, Tina
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