I have this idea in my head of what my world looks like. To me it is this giant glass sphere that encircles everything in my life- my family, my friends, pets, work, hobbies and my passions- anything that makes me who I am. I was getting excited to add children to my sphere. I only had 3 weeks left to go and my sphere would include my beautiful boy.
I envision my sphere to be a little worn a few small cracks or smudges here and there but also gloriously shiny and smooth, after all your world- your life is not always perfect but for the most part it was intact and about to get bigger and more beautiful.
As my husband and I waited in the waiting room of the hospital for a routine check-up my world was intact it was around me protecting me, together and shiny. As we went in for our check-up I now picture my world becoming less intact, less shiny, and less smooth. As the doctor was searching for a heartbeat on the Doppler and failing to find one CRACK- it’s starting. As we went to an ultrasound machine and the doctor sits there stone-faced and not speaking CRACK- the sound is getting louder. As we go to radiology for a better look on another machine CRACK- my thoughts of this being a mistake or a machine issue are diminishing.
Then they said it “I’m sorry but there is no heartbeat”- SMASH, my worn yet beautiful sphere is smashing around me into so many tiny pieces you have no hope of it ever being whole again. I spent the next month or so not trying so much to piece my world back together again but rather rummaging through the shards of glass hoping not to cut myself too deeply.
After the funeral and when everyone else in my world went back to normal I started to rebuild. My sphere – my world will never be whole it will never be shiny it will never be smooth again. I can glue all the pieces back together and it will be cracked and it will be worn and it will be stained but it will be my new world.
The thing about your world being smashed so violently and so suddenly is that once its happened it can crack and smash over and over again at a moments notice. My hope and my faith right now is the belief that it will get easier and easier to find where the pieces go. I also believe that it will get closer and closer to being complete before it smashes again and whilst I am not at peace with this yet I can acknowledge it and to me that is huge.
About the author, Telekia:
My husband John and I welcomed our angel baby Cooper into the world on the 18/01/2014. Our first born son lost at 36weeks 6 days. We are now blessed with our rainbow baby Louie on the 4/5/2016.